November 25, 2020

Man of the People Will Lock Himself in Borrowed House

4 min read

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Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.

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Like an overpriced supermarket in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood, the White House is boarding itself up in anticipation of Election Day. After a final week of hosting superspreader campaign events across the country and leaving constituents stranded in remote areas with no way of returning (both metaphorically and literally), Donald Trump plans to return to a house he does not own, put up an unscalable fence outside, and turn off the lights, according to a report from CNN. Federal authorities are expected to erect the fence and other defensive measures around the White House as a symbol of our enduring and functional democracy.

Like a frenzied character in a well-made mid-century play who spends much of the first act willfully wreaking havoc before breaking a lamp and locking himself in the bathroom, Donald Trump will be reporting to his dressing room for the climax where he will be tweeting and waiting for the curtain call.

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Apparently a huge fan of the novel Leave the World Behind, Donald Trump will be spending election night pretending to be the book’s central characters by refusing to leave a house built by Black people.

Donald Trump, a noted Beetlejuice, was summoned years ago by a minority of the electorate too embittered by the grief of realizing the American Dream is a fallacy invoked to reaffirm a caste system that keeps most on the bottom and is now invoking squatters rights. This, of course, is an ironic turn of events given the aggressive anti-tenant tactics employed by Trump and his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who is like if the Chuckie doll was a haunted porcelain Victorian figurine created by a racist algorithm.

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The White House has elected to take the Bartleby the Scrivener approach to the will of the people and embraced the originalist interpretation of votes as “merely suggestions offered by white men.” Perhaps the confusion lies in mistaking “legally registered voters and American citizens” for “invading British troops circa 1814”. A common mistake.

Apparently assuming that members of the Democratic party have spent the last four years training for Parkour and building Batman-style devices for combatting super-villains, the White House is being transformed into a fortress against its two greatest enemies: Americans and reality. Producers of American Ninja Warrior are expected to film the next season of the series on the White House lawn.

It is unclear what the White House fears by erecting this new system of defenses. Perhaps they think White House switchboards will be overtaken by phone-banking for ActBlue. “Oh God, not enfranchisement and an empowered electorate!” the Trump administration cries, slamming the door of the Lincoln bedroom like a petulant teen. Though the left is a varied and vibrant majority of the population, it seems safe to say that few have spent the Trump administration years perfecting the use of a grappling hook.

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Like a split-level that turns out its porch light at 2pm on Halloween, the White House is attempting to convince the American public that no one is home and there will be no treats. After years of sowing chaos, stoking violence, and enacting horror on children, families, and individuals in a myriad of ways, the Trump administration clearly expects retribution in the only language it speaks. Not satisfied with the protections built into a White House that has safeguarded the leaders of the nation through decades of geopolitical strife, peaceful civil protests, and the threat of nuclear war, the head of the armed forces retreats to a bunker in hopes of being shielded from the biggest threat to his version of American presidency: the American people.

In conclusion, Trump builds wall.

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