Good afternoon and happy pandemic to you, serfs! It is I, Ivanka Trump, former and future star of The Apprentice, and I come bearing a special message from my close personal friend @realdonaldtrump. We are receiving reports that times are hard! I was in a briefing earlier about the very concerning news that the economy was viciously attacked by cancel culture. I considered sending the economy a Get Well Soon card but I refrained because, famously, we in the Trump administration hate the U.S. Postal Service and I do not want to encourage them. Instead, I sent the economy one (1) free ticket to an upcoming Trump rally (with purchase of a hat and an appetizer; dine-in only; void where prohibited). One of the by-products of the Liberal Media’s attack on the economy is that many people are claiming that they do not have jobs. We have decided that this is bad because “JOBS!” is kind of our whole thing. But, also “You’re Fired!” was our whole thing before so maybe we’re ambivalent about this? Anyway, let us pretend that I care for moment. Because I have spent every moment of the last 30 seconds thinking about American unemployment, I am pleased to announce the “Find Something New” campaign, an initiative I am leading with Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary and tertiary villain.
What is “Find Something New“? Well, it’s a website. And if that was not enough, it’s also an ad campaign! Nothing says “we are doing something” like advertising. The purpose of the ad campaign (and website!) is to address the very rude unemployment numbers that the Lying Media is artificially inflating by making conservative columnists voluntarily leave their jobs. Millions of people are out of work right now and over-taxed state unemployment systems are leaving millions more in limbo; I have heard your cries and I have decided to immediately do something about it roughly four months after it began. Many of you are facing the terrifying prospect of joblessness and I would like to present to you another option: have you thought about not being jobless? Many have not. “Find Something New” is a campaign that, according to a tweet that the White House sent out, urges “young Americans and job-seekers to Find Something New!” The exclamation point was my addition. Big picture thinking.
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Yes, you may be spending hours trying to get through the choked phone lines to make an unemployment claim. Yes, you workplace may be closed or operating at a severely limited capacity. Yes, it would be much more helpful if the government authorized another stimulus package or made even the smallest attempt to display an understanding of the multiple crises gripping our nation. But—and here is the big idea—what if the problem is actually you?
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I will tell you a personal story from my real life to help illustrate this concept. At one point, I was a television personality and professional Brand. Then my father ran for president as a grift and I decided to Find Something New. Now I am a senior advisor to the president! So, if you’re unable to return to your old job at a local movie theater, perhaps you should try that instead. Call your father and see if he needs any co-conspirators. Be creative!
“Find Something New!” is not just an idea, however, it is also a list of resources for jobseekers. It is a little like the Works Projects Administration during the Depression except instead of actual jobs created by the federal government, it is links. I know you are awed by the technological advancement. FDR could have given the people hyperlinks but he did not and that is why he is bad. Now we are facing the worst economy since the Depression and we in the Trump administration are very excited to really get into it. Our goal is to be the number one worst and with your help we can get there.
Now, some antifa radicals who criticize “Find Something New!” have pointed out that with a severely contracted economy and the cases of Covid-19 spiking across the country because of presidential incompetence (seriously, why doesn’t Obama do something about this?), it may be hard to actually find a job at all, let alone a new one. I believe these people have not heard of the power of positive thinking. The website helpfully lists careers that are expected to experience growth and the fourth one listed is Contract Tracer. See? When President Trump said he was going to create new jobs, he meant it. So, the moral of the story is, if your father does not have any open senior advisor positions, you can find your dream career in the Pandemic Industry. For instance, it is very likely that I have made millions off of it and you can too, for a small fee!
Now, I have to come to a close because I do not want to be here anymore. I am already visualizing myself someplace else and I encourage you to do the same! But remember, you are more than your current employment situation. Each of you is a crucial brick in the great American pyramid scheme and that’s the most important job you’ll ever have.
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